Oh, how depressing

We eventually set the lizard free

Luke catches a lizard

Cats really know how to relax

It was spring, 2004. I was living in Greenville, NC, and things were going well. Things great at my job, Cold Stone Creamery. I was a shift leader, and on my way to becoming Assistant Manager. I was living in my grandmother's trailer, and had been since my return the previous September. There were boxes all over the place. Some were mine, from when I had moved in. Some were my grandmother's, from when she had moved out. It had been bugging me to a certain extent, but not enough to actually do anything about it. I had been living there for 6 months, but it looked like I was still getting unpacked.

However, I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. I realized this, and decided that the time had come to start making the best of things. I had a full-time job, I was in school full time, and I was starting to get involved at church. I needed to unpack all my things, and get rid of all the boxes. I needed to make the trailer my own, and settle down for a little while.

After a few days, I set aside some time to start cleaning up the living room. From there I would conquer the kitchen and the rest of the house. I turned on some music to clean by, and began putting things in order. After about 45 minutes, I noticed something weird. There was a high-pitched tune that would accompany the CD whenever it rose above a certain volume. It was like a whistling noise. I had never noticed it before. It bugged me a bit. I changed CD's, resolving to get another one without the defect. The new CD had the same problem. Determined to figure this out, I turned on some music on my computer. Again, the same problem. I heard a whistling noise whenever the music rose above a certain volume.

It slowly dawned on me that the problem was not with the CDs or the sound systems. It was with me.

I quickly walked next door to talk to my parents. As I walked in, my sister walked out. She said "Hi, Ben!" as we passed each other.

Her voice, too, had the whistling sound.

I went on to find out over the next several days and weeks that I had developed hearing loss. Permanent, irreversible hearing loss. Whenever I would hear a noise too loud for my ears to handle, I would hear that whistling tone.

It was, without a doubt, the worse thing I've ever been through. I almost lost my faith in God. Almost. But I held onto it, and eventually began to believe that He could heal me and restore what had been taken. He did, too. My noise tolerance has dramatically increased, and that is physically impossible. It's allowed me to live a normal life again.

In many ways, though, my life really isn't all that normal. I've had this aversion for a long time to doing anything that required a long-term committment. I haven't been able to explain it, but it's influenced a lot of the choices I've made. It's why I've taken crappy jobs...they are very easy to walk away from. I haven't wanted to commit to going to school because it requires a long-term committment. I didn't even really want to renew my cell phone contract because it would tie me down. I want the freedom to just go somewhere else if I want. Not that I really have a destination in mind. It's having the option that matters. Choice.

I've been thinking about that a lot lately. What has been behind my rather nomadic existence? I think a lot of it has to do with bad experiences and with fear. The last time I tried to settle down and make a place my home, my entire world fell apart and I went through the most difficult time I've ever experienced. It could be that part of me associates the decision to stay in one place with the appearance of monumental problems.

This may or may not be true, but it's interesting to think about. At any rate, I am once more starting to settle down. I'm entering UNC Charlotte next month. Attendance will require that I have some sort of student loan to help cover costs, since I can't afford it on my own. It requires a 3-year committment, since only one year of my credits from Community College transferred. I'm ready to make that committment. I like being in the Concord area, and if I'm here for the next three years, it won't be an altogether bad thing.

I want to travel. I want to be able to be mobile. For now, though, I think this is the right course of action. We'll see.